Tuesday, January 06, 2009

One year ago Renée wrote

Today's service at Redeemer Presbyterian - I will summarize:

The story of Job shows us that God is in control, and he does not initiate evil, permits it but also limits it.

There are two common responses to suffering:

Stoic cynicism:
- ask why me?
- there must be no God or if there is he doesn't give a crap so I can live however I want

Fanatic moralism:
- ask why me?
- I must have done something wrong so try and be a better person

Most people are one of the two, some go back and forth between them

When we ask why?
- we need to learn to live without an answer and to embrace living without
- that shows whether we love God just for what He does for us or for who He is

Can I do that?

It's a hard faith
a cruel mountain pass
we cross hoping
but with no promise of
greener patures the other

It's a hard word
this disjointed syllable
we invoke hoping
that somewhere it will
be heard and

It's a hard God
a wild animal who
asks for love and
admiration with the
promise of nothing in

I am selfish. So, so selfish. And I am afraid I will continue to be for some time yet. My dependence has never been on you. You have never defined me. I have depended on my friends, my work, my hobbies, even my beliefs and ideologies to define me but never you.

It made me feel good to hear your voice, to pray in tongues, to get guidance, words, pictures, etc. I know your spirit was in me and I don't think I was acting out of pride but maybe it was just a way to feel good about myself. And wasn't I often jealous of others' gifts?

It's true that my reaction at first was - have I not done enough? (moralism) But then it shifted to - because this is happening God must not care. I still firmly believe that when I was first diagnosed I was not doing anything wrong - there was nothing more I could have done to please God. I was exactly where he told me to be, doing His will as best I knew how. So the whole moralism thing didn't last very long.

And now I've been so cynical, believing that you're a malicious tyrant who inflicts suffering for the hell of it, or just not caring.

I like the feeling
of going under
thick white liquid
capable hands push the syringec
ount backwards
10... 9...
veins warm, muscles dissolve
And quick
merciful sleep
too quickly over

haiku - possible submission to heal magazine??
- if I remember

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