Saturday, March 08, 2008

Can't sleep

why did we not stop the chemo friday? why did we not stop them from giving her so much fluid monday to maintain blood pressure? fluids that eventually caused her lungs to fail and her co2 to go up causing the septic shock. we knew better. Kris was killed by a doctor that ordered higher fluid levels than necessary. if we had not had the unnecessary business stress would we have had our brains in gear?
I watched Renee's last moments of video. I have never seen anything as heart wrenching. should we post that so her friends can see it too? never have I seen her so vulnerable. she was always brave. but she was afraid. really afraid of the leukemia. she didn't want to know the results of the tests by the Vancouver doctors.


  1. I'm so sorry to hear that you are having trouble sleeping, I will pray about that. It seems pretty normal to me considering the huge loss you have taken. Sounds like you are asking a lot of "what if" questions and trying to figure out what maybe you should have done. This too seems quite normal - in fact I'd be surprised if you didn't. It seems to me you did the best you could under the circumstances you were in. We will pray for you as you wrestle with all these things. Take care Ray.

  2. Dueck family-

    It breaks my heart to read this post. Renee had such faith in you, her family. We spoke often of how lucky she was to have such a wonderful, loving family, so willing to drop everything and help with whatever she needed. Food, a guitar, a blanket placed just the right way, or the 'right' way to pack up the electrical chord for her laptop :)

    I know in my heart you did everything possible for Renee. I watched you all care for her, work with her, pray for, and with, her and cry for her. You have done the best for Renee and I know she had faith, not only in His plan, but in your decisions as a family.

    I know it is so much easier for me to tell you not to have these doubts than it will be for you to believe it for yourselves. Your family is no stranger to loss and I feel you have processed these emotions before... I wish there was something I could say, something that could help. I know it isn't possible. Please just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted - Matthew 5:4

  3. Anonymous10:41 PM

    Thank you both for your kind words and prayers.

    Mark, we'd love to visit with you ASAP. You know where we live.

    Kyle - I hope we can have a nice visit with you when we get to NYC at the end of March

  4. Anonymous11:10 PM

    Your words and feelings are part of my prayer tonight for you. You are wonderful loving sacrificial parents who did so much and loved renee so much. I pray for comfort and rest and for sleep to take hold.

  5. Anonymous2:42 PM

    Ray & Martha
    How well I can feel along with you!
    I've been reading your blogs and praying for you and crying with you.
    I really want to tell you not to blame yourself. It hurts more than words can say.
    love, Emily L

  6. I will be praying for you guys. I heard just this weekend that Renee had passed away. I`m so sorry. I haven`t seen your family since i moved away from Menneville, but i remember you guys clearly. I went to school with Alayna. I hear your what if questions and i hope that God answers them for you. I have had 2 people close to me pass away so i really understand what you are going through. Mine was my mom and a close friend. I do understand the pain with death. I will be praying for you in the next coming years because i know that the hardest part of grieving is in the 1st year. God Bless and remember that there are many people praying for you.